The other night I was abducted by aliens. While I was sleeping, a wind blew open the shutters. I felt myself being sucked outdoors as if a giant vacuum cleaner was taking control of my body. Once outside, I looked up and saw a well illuminated spacecraft hovering over me. All the lights made it look like a floating Christmas wreath.

Zapped inside, I found myself surrounded by weird looking creatures I assumed were aliens. They stared at me and I stared back. My gaze was female but theirs wasn’t. That’s when I realized that aliens are not without gender as we’ve been told. They’re male. Concerned for my safety, I understood the importance of creating an escape plan.

You know the saying “divide and conquer”? Well, with men it’s easy. Whether it’s on earth or in space, males always want to be alpha. And there’s nothing like competition to get that alpha vibe animated. Now all I had to do was devise a competition.

To create the right mood, I looked directly at them and started to laugh to show that they weren’t intimidating me. Then I started scratching my nails on objects that would screech and create unpleasant frequencies.

Once the mood was set, I focused on Alien #1. In front of him I smiled and fluttered my eyelashes, and told him that, unlike the others, his green stinger suit looked really sexy on him. Believe it or not, Alien #1 started to blush and, to keep that blush growing, I told him he moved like a feather whereas his colleagues dragged around as if attached to a ball and chain.

The more I complimented Alien #1, the more I could feel the discontent of the other aliens. So, I complimented Alien #1 even more. I told him that he didn’t make errors in pronunciation when communicating telepathically like the others did. It was great fun Fake Flattering and I could have gone on all day had it not been for Alien #3 who was losing control. His thoughts were screaming and calling me wicked names. He said I’d lied because no one looked as good in a stinger suit as he did and no one was as light on his feet as he was. Furthermore, he’d been voted the best telepathic poet of his galaxy.

At a certain point, Alien #3 could no longer control his rage. He pushed a button next to the door, came near me and, once the door opened, kicked me out. Luckily, I landed in my neighbor’s swimming pool, so I wasn’t hurt.

Once home, I dried myself off, put on clean pajamas, then got in bed with the cat who’d slept the whole time I was gone.

-30-

Appropriations for AI will be jinxed.